Angry with myself

[I was asked to remove this post but this is my blog which I started for ME. These are my words and thoughts. So I have chosen instead to edit out pieces and clarify some of its content. This is how I felt in the moment and the point is not that anyone should agree or care for that matter. The point is that I need to acknowledge my responsibility in this and my feelings so that I can let it go.  And that’s exactly what I did.]

I hesitate to write this post but I have reached my boiling point. I am unfortunately consumed with anger and frustration. I probably should just keep it to myself but bottling up feelings so that they fester and turn into proverbial pus-filled sores that will later explode is not my style. I let it out. And then let it go. That’s how I do it. Other people do it differently but then this is MY blog. They can write their own.

This wedding has become like the tick I discovered on my dog the other day. A parasite. That sucks the life right out of me. It’s itchy and uncomfortable. But worse still, I can’t get it off. And I am angry. With myself. Because like my dog, it was I who irresponsibly decided to frolic in the back bushes where are all the good smells are. I allowed the squirrels, birds and bunnies encroaching on my yard to get the better of me. I allowed myself to be tempted by their chirping and chatter. And so it is my fault that I have a tick.

I am living the Sex and the City movie nightmare. Except that instead of Vivienne Westwood couture gowns and guest lists of 300+, I have to contend with people changing their minds about attending, or just their general insensitivity. I do not take it personally if people’s circumstances change or if they simply are not interested in attending. That’s fine. I am a completely reasonable person. But I do take issue with the fact that I have received only 25% of the RSVP cards (yes or no) I sent out with invitations. I just don’t understand that. It makes this ten times more difficult for me to coordinate – chasing people down for their answer (the whole act of which really lacks dignity). All of the burden for planning this wedding has been left to ME. And that is NOT what I wanted. (The irony is that when I saw the SATC movie in theatre there was a tug at my heart. I remember thinking to myself “I could totally see this happening to me.” So maybe it is less irony and more ESP.)

Ugh! I could have just gone with my gut. I could have said, “No thanks.” or “I’m sorry but no.” Instead, I said, “Ok.” Why?! How many times have I gotten myself into trouble by NOT following my gut? Um like a million times. And how many times when I have actually listened to myself and what I want and know to be right for me? ZERO. The stats don’t lie. And yet I still haven’t learned.

I have learned that with weddings, it isn’t about YOU (read: bride and groom). It’s about everyone else. And so you agree to do things differently. You either adapt your vision or completely discard it based on what you hear others tell you they think your wedding should be. At first you don’t mind because it is more important to them than to you and how simple it is to make them happy with such a relatively small thing. They aren’t asking for you to solve the problem of world hunger or invent a carbon zapping technology or cure cancer. So it seems a small request in the grand scheme of things. And it is. Until it’s sucking the life out of you and you are just hoping that someone will notice your discomfort enough to remove the tick for you. But then you remember that unlike a dog, no one takes that responsibility for you. You are your own person and an adult at that. So you are responsible for yourself and your decisions and you just have to let go of the anger and frustration and move on with the plan.

It is important to say that just as there has been incredible disappointment (and continued frustration), there has also been incredible love and support from certain members of our families and circle of friends. The people who really want to be there are making it happen no matter what and thankfully, not giving me grief about it. They are offering their help at every turn and bubble with excitement and great anticipation. I am completely grateful for them. It definitely helps me to think about their happiness in all of this.

The other thing that helps me is RUNNING. So that’s what I am going to do now. And by the end of the day, I will have let off sufficient steam to renew my faith in myself. This anger and frustration will hopefully be a distant memory. A tiny blip on the screen. All will be better tomorrow. I will make it so.

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